changes

What exactly is normal?

2009-09-22T19:11:00.009-03:00

So, there is someone new in my life. Or I suppose more accurately, there is someone from a different part of my life, who played a very different role, who is now someone completely different to me.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this just yet. Most days I am fine, more than fine really. I'm happier than I've been in a really long time. Ever since The Menace, I haven't really looking for anything really. And then I go away for an innocent weekend and come back with a lot more baggage than I packed. See, things are a little bit complicated. First, he doesn't live close by...there might be a few more much juicier reasons for it being more than a little bit complicated that add a wonderful flavor of WTF'ed-ness with a dash of soap opera drama. We've talked about (some of ) this, and how it's all a bit crazy. But we also feel that there is too much potential there to not try and see if it would work.

So that's what we're doing. It's overwhelming and it's exciting. I can't wait to see how it all turns out...

Packing up and moving on.

2009-08-29T13:31:00.005-03:00

One of the things that I love/hate about moving, is that while packing I spend time wasting reading old journals of mine. I found one from 2001-2003....boy oh boy! Glad to see that I came out of whatever phase I was in then! It was mortifying to read what I had wrote, and guys, I was seriously depressed or something. There was a whole lot of drunken scrawled "I HATE MY LIFE"'s and other such pleasantries. Sure things weren't the greatest, but really?

I've also realized that my packing style is much like an ADD chicken with it's head cut off. I will start in one room, and start packing books, then after one box of that is done, I head to the kitchen and pack a box of dishes, then to the bedroom to look in my closet, sigh a deep sigh and head back to the livingroom to pack books.

I'm starting to run out of boxes, and stamina....

misunderstandings

2009-07-26T11:04:00.002-03:00

Ages ago, my dad was in Sydney helping me move. It was getting towards the end of the day where all that was left to be moved was all the leftover junk that you just didn't know what to do with in the first place. I was packing up a bunch of random things, probably a stack of phone books and extra sets of salt and pepper shakers, when my father shoves this in my face, asking just what it was:

The infamous tape.

I didn't understand his question, as it was obviously just an old tape with my shows on it. And I told him this. It was then as I was looking over at him with the tape in his hand that I really looked at the name on the tape for the first time, that I realized what he thought the tape was. I guess I should have clarified when I said that it was tape with my shows, that it was television shows.

re-starting

2009-04-21T16:51:00.002-03:00

Since being laid-off in February, I seem to have lost my drive to do anything. I haven't gone out to take pictures, I haven't written anything in ages, I certainly am not eating right, and I'm not working out. I have still been reading and knitting which is something I suppose. I remember thinking how being unemployed would be this great time to get creative, and really have a chance to see what it was that I could do. Apparently that isn't much. I wonder if watching Ellen complusively at 11 counts as something I do well? It's been one of those times where I've been feeling at a loss, but wasn't sure how to deal with it; or felt that the things that were bothering me were just too superficial and retarded to warrant me writing about them. Or, the thought of using up energy regurgitating my thoughts made me need yet another afternoon nap. Daddy Warbucks helped me buy a computer for my birthday, and surprisingly, I didn't turn into Carrie Bradshaw as soon as I opened it. I really thought that was going to happen. Odd. But hopefully having my computer aound me all the time will make it easier for me to be on here more. Here's to restarting!

Day 3 and I am already slacking...

2008-11-03T15:28:00.002-04:00

Some friends and I went out to eat at a local Don Cherry's. I spotted something on the menu that I couldn't let pass me by without taking a photo of it...muffaletta pizza eh? How very interesting.

Post Halloween Massacre

2008-11-02T17:49:00.003-04:00

Mini-Chocolate Bars consumed: 47 Fuzzy Peaches/Swedish Berries/Sour Patch Kids mini-bags consumed: 9 Times I went to the gym today: 0 Hours spent lying around watching TV: 5 and counting Pounds gained: to be determined at a later date. Good work will power! You and I are a fabulous dieting team!

looking for what you want to see

2008-09-19T13:37:00.004-03:00

As I sat there at the table across from her father, I felt so nervous. There always seems to be a thin line between excitment/nervousness at seeing her family again and that strange ache. After making the arrangements to meet him for breakfast, the happy feeling of seeing him again, was chased away by that ache, and the realization that what would be a simple breakfast to anyone else was going to be filled with unspoken memories of a girl we both loved, and a renewed sense of loss. There was a lot of smoothing and re-smoothing the napkin in my lap, and an admiration of how ugly the shade of orange the napkin was. After covering all the general conversation topics, I decided to be bold and tread into the territory that I always fear. I asked about their trip to PNG, and as I saw his eyes well up, I thought for a moment that I may have made the wrong decision, but by then it was too late. As we he started to talk about it, out of his line of vision, an middle-aged man sat down facing me, just behind our table, who was meeting a friend for breakfast as well. He had white hair that was receding deeply from the top of his head, and he was wearing what appeared to be a new pair of jeans with a bright red three button shirt with a yellow ribbon adorning the left side of it saying "Support Our Troops", directly over his heart. As I listened to her father talk about how now there is a doctor in PNG who has lights over his operating table that services a village of over 7,000 people, I wondered about this man, and the coincidence that sitting not even 3 feet from him was a father of a slain solider. The rational side of me said that today was Red Friday, and he was likely just a supporter of the troops wearing his red. The other part of me, who believes that it was her who reached out to me the day of her wake, wants to think that this was just another way that she is reaching out to let us know that she knows we love her.

things that made me teary over the weekend...

2008-08-18T12:32:00.002-03:00

1. watching the gold medal ceremony for the female wrester Carol Huynh. When the national anthem started to play, there were tears. Proud tears! 2. seeing a wedding caravan covered in pink and white balloons streaming down the road with horns beeping and people inside with the widest smiles imaginable. Happy people! 3. watching copious amount of Bones. So much emotional angst. But so good!

You know you are knitting too much when...

2008-08-14T09:59:00.004-03:00

...you wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic because you lost an alpaca/llama. One that you were using for knitting, but forgot about when you went to sleep. As you shoot out of bed with the realization that you really needed to find it because it was outside alone(bonus points were given for actually opening the front door and calling for the alpaca). I half woke up when I realized I was standing in my door looking for this lost alpaca/llama, confused as to why I was up and searching for this animal, I tried to convince myself that I indeed did not have any live animal, inside or outside, that I was using for knitting. I was half-way convinced of this, and fell back asleep, only to wake up in a panic a little while later with the renewed feeling of panic over the lost fiber animal, mixed with a bit of anger over letting myself fall back asleep before when there was a lost alpaca/llama. Thankfully when I woke up this morning, I realized that it was just a dream, and remembered most of what had happened, and could be happy with the fact that my crazy is still very much intact.

Waking Up Angry

2008-08-11T15:21:00.002-03:00

From weddings that I was invited to, but not really; to introductions never made; to me feeling inadequate yet again when it comes to a certain group of people. Let me preface this post by saying that these are people that I have loved and held up above everyone for as long as I can remember. Why, I'm not really sure anymore. I think that there is another post in here that says that exact same thing as I am saying now. This always happens with them, and it pisses me off that I am never good enough. Especially because if the situation was in reverse, I would never treat them the way that they treat me. Why do I let them continue to make me feel this way? Probably because they are family.

Oh! That was why!

2008-07-14T10:03:00.002-03:00

It was after I decided to sleep with my bedroom light on that I remembered why I stopped reading Stephen King novels, aside from the fact that they got increasingly worse with time. After jumping up and investigating every footstep I heard through my window, and then closing the window because the wind was starting to sound really eerie. Which quickly led to putting the blind down because the shadows of the trees were REALLY starting to look sinister. While I was trying to calm my racing heart, I realized that it was the damn book I was reading. I am currently reading King's newest book called Duma Key. It's not a gory story, filled with guts and such; but it is seriously freaking me out. Even SK's picture on the book jacket is freaky. No wonder he writes such terrifying works. I just tried to find the same picture online, but I can't look at pictures of him anymore....I am just getting more creeped out by the minute. UGH.

2008-07-04T08:51:00.002-03:00

It seems that all I have been writing here lately is an apology that I haven't been writing on here more. It's mostly to myself because this blog was always a nice way to try and write something...but lately I have been either apathetic to writing, or when I did write something, it didn't sound right... Also, I don't have much to write about. My life is pretty static and boring right now. I could go on for days about all the negative things, but what's the fun in that? I am going to work on it...see what I can do.

Conversations with Nana, Easter 2008

2008-03-25T10:12:00.002-03:00

I have been so negligent of this blog lately, so I decided that the latest installation of conversations with Nana: Easter version, would be a great way to get back into the swing of things. So it's easter dinner at M and J's...everyone is at the dining room table, devouring a delicious meal. Then it happens....out of the blue. In front of my entire family. Nana: "Well Krista, I would really like to see you married before I die you know" Me: "...." Nana: "You know, really fall in love, head over heels. Head over heels Krista (she then starts spinning her hands in the air wildly trying to mimic falling head over heels), do you know what I mean? Do you understand?? HEAD OVER HEELS" Me: " Yes, Nana, I understand...I would like to fall in love too" Nana: "Well, you are really dragging your feet about it, what's your problem?" Me: "..............." Happy Easter!

just a coffee pot

2007-11-28T09:27:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was doing something around the sink (I can't remember what it was now) and I bumped something off my very cluttered counter with my elbow and subsequently heard it crash to the ground. Where it smashed into a hundred little, tiny pieces. As it was falling, I had all these images of what it might be, my favorite mug, a bowl that was a gift from a good friend, or one of my few glasses. When I looked down, I realized it was my coffee pot, and I felt bad for not thinking of it when I was imagining what had broke, because once I saw that it was gone, I realized I loved it the most. The coffee pot was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Yes, I know it was just a coffee pot, but it was just ONE more thing that has gone wrong in the past while. Let's make a short list shall we?

Car was broken into. Everything was stolen, almost every CD I own with the exceptions of the ones I don't really want, like Theory of a Deadman. Realized later in the week, that only did they get my CD's, but my GPS, my cellphone, and basically anything else I was housing in the trunk for safety that I had forgotten about. They didn't take the 3 fondue pots though. Small miracles eh?
I now don't sleep, because I am waiting for the thieves to come back. So every cough, sneeze, laugh, car door, etc I hear outside my window, I am up and ready to attack. During one of these checks, I knocked over the mirror in my bedroom, breaking it into tiny, little pieces. 7 years bad luck! Whoohoo!!
I threw out the brownie checkbook by accident and had to explain to the others that yes, I really am that stupid. New checks won't be in for a week and we need checks NOW.
Then the coffee pot broke
EVERYTHING ELSE

Not a big deal I know, but it just feels like everything is going wrong. I am broke, and will continue to be broke for a long time, while falling behind on everything. I have Christmas to worry about. I can't stop eating, and I am sure that I am going to weigh 200 pounds by this time next year. I am turning into a hermit, and find myself increasingly enraged at everyone around me. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like?

Still not there...

2007-11-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

I'm still having trouble writing anything, anywhere. Every day I think that I need to write something...either here or somewhere else, but haven't. I am once again going to try and make an effort...you know, for my public (me). I am still feeling the same as before, a little resentful of certain things, a little left out of things, a little sorry for myself. I was doing so well with going to the gym the past while...I was even starting to feel better; but then this past weekend all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. Which I did to the best of my ability. I hate these funks. I am back on the whole I am only going to do what I want and say what I feel. It never works out that well in the end. I'm so afraid that I have made the friends that I have based on my passivity, and if I start to become more assertive, then I am going to lose them along with the comfort that doing what everyone else wants me to do comes with. Not a win-win-win situation. Blah. This is boring. Must find something exciting to write about. Or at least a little humorous.

hints

2007-10-02T11:36:00.000-03:00

When attempting to slough off the 15 pounds you have recently gained, do not go to Wal-Mart and pick up a giant bag of chocolate halloween candy. It's not going to help.

?

2007-10-01T10:51:00.000-03:00

It's been forever since I have written here, but I haven't really been feeling motivated to talk about anything. I have become so lazy that composing a coherent email has become taxing, which is rather sad. Not sure why things are they way there are....they just are. I figured it's about time to work on fixing that. Recently I have been feeling very frustrated with people. Especially the fake people...and not just just regular people, but family. There are a certain few who I have lost all patience with. They live in a world where everything and everyone has it's/their place, and if you fall outside of that line drawn in the sand, you lose... Everything is about appearances, and creating the perfect illusion of happiness. I'm sick of it, especially since I can never quite measure up, and wind up ruining the balance. I'm also sick of how much I care about having their approval, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop...it really shouldn't matter, but it does. Down with ignorance.

just wondering...

2007-08-10T15:16:00.000-03:00

Is knowing that you will be content in a life with someone enough? Not devastatingly in love with someone, just happy to be in their company. Your life would be a full of laughter and fun, kids and family. Is this a recipe for eternal happiness or the opposite?

welcome to the jungle

2007-08-07T12:59:00.001-03:00

I LOVE weekends. Especially Friday's where you can go to bed and bask in the fact that you don't have to be jarred awake by the bleary blarking of the alarm clock at an ungodly hour in the morning. Even though I don't tend to sleep- in anymore, I still really enjoy the freedom of being able to wake up whenever I want. This past Friday was one of those nights....although when I went to bed, the new neighbors next door sounded like they were having a bit of a party, with "Holla Back Girl" and "Promiscuous Girl" blaring out of their house in the wee hours of the morning...I was a bit p.o.'ed, but then remembered that it was the weekend! I feel asleep with a good sleep-in penciled in for Saturday morning. Let's fast forward to 6:23 am, Saturday morning. I was awoken by the vibrations of "Jesse's Girl" being played next door at about 287.4 decibels above an average listening volume. I was furious! It was 6:30 on a Saturday morning! As I lye there and fumed and toss and turned in an attempt to get back to sleep, I had an eerie sense of deja vu...they were playing all the same songs from the night before! Complete with "Funky Cold Medina", AT 6:30am on a SATURDAY. I grabbed my schedule for the day, erased the sleep-in that was planned, and in it's place put: irrational rage and belted out (without thinking of course) "Some people are trying to sleep". Maybe if they could hear me over their music it might have had some sort of effect...or not...I could feel my face burning with the embarrassment over what I had just done. I resigned myself to the idea that my day had begun. Needless to say, the new neighbors will not be getting a welcome to the neighborhood basket from ME!

the f word.

2007-07-18T12:05:00.000-03:00

Have you ever had someone is in your subconscious so much that you start to see them, or at least people that resemble them everywhere? I happened to see him sitting alone on a bench in the airport, clutching a carry-on bag, looking lost. I had just got off the plane, I was tired and very cranky, and as I walked past this man, all I could think about was how much he looked like him. I looked over again as I passed, and then I realized that it really was him, here at the airport, 4 hours from home, at the very same time I was there. It was almost surreal to catch him in that moment. He looked up and saw me, and I swear I could see every thing that I just thought run through his mind. That moment of recognition, probably coupled with the sheer surprise of him easily being the LAST person on earth I expected to see at the airport, made me forget how angry I am with him. It was also his tangible vulnerability that drew me to him...that one characteristic that I always knew he had, but tries so hard to hide. Thankfully (I can't believe I am saying this) he was just going to France for work, and it wasn't THE flight out of here...I am never going to learn am I?

some kind of feeling

2007-07-10T15:03:00.000-03:00

right now, all I can hear is someone repeatedly clicking the top of their pen. Over and over and OVER again. Is there anything more annoying once you hear it? Oh wait, yes there is, the secretary's laugh from down the hall. Maybe sharing the carpeted castle with g. wasn't so bad after all?

you will have fun at the....YMCA

2007-07-09T13:49:00.001-03:00

Today will mark my third work out at our local YMCA. It's certainly been an unforgettable experience. e's and I first experience was probably only funny if you had been there. After our tour of the facilities, we were set free in the "conditioning centre" for our free complimentary workout for just considering joining. When you walk in, all that is visible are all the flushed faces of the people sweating out their latest workout. e and I walked in nervously, looking as though we had never seen a treadmill or elliptical in our lives. All of the cardio equipment is in the centre of the room, with all the weight machines lining the perimeter of the room. The very front row of equipment, and the closest to e and I was the stationary bikes, we signed ourselves up for the two that were closest and tried to walk over like we knew what we were doing. As I sat down on the seat and affixed my feet to the pedals, I remembered all the time I had spent on other bikes just like this one, and I knew that everything was going to be just fine. Then the shuddering started. Every five or so rotations of the pedals forced the bike into some kind of shock where all it would do was shudder and clank, and it would only stop when I would stop pedaling for a minute. I would then start again after the clanking and shuddering abated, but alas, after another five or so rotations we would begin the whole thing again. My nervousness at being at the new gym for the first time, my mild to moderate social anxiety, AND the clanking/shuddering bike led me to have an uncontained laugh attack. To the point that I couldn't breathe and tears were streaming down my face. Finally e took the initiative and firmly stated that we were going to change bikes. The rest of the workout when without incident, although I probably didn't make the best first impression on all of those YMCA-ers. Also something I have noticed, and I am not sure if it's because this is the first co-ed gym I have been to or not, but there are a lot of men who come to the gym in regular every day clothes. Like a pair of jeans and a shirt. One guy looks like he just came from work on a construction site, boots and all, and decided that a quick little spin on the elliptical would be an excellent end to the day. Men who tuck their workout shirts into their too-tight splash pants are also quite popular...again, why the tucking in? Hmmm...maybe I should try and cut back on the judgment.

odd or not?

2007-07-04T11:58:00.001-03:00

In all of the bathrooms in the new office building, I have found reading material in the bathroom. The women's washroom. I find this odd, is it? Nothing like the latest version of Canadian Living to help the bathroom visit pass by more enjoyably. New office is amazing. Although already I am falling victim to the vending machines and cafeteria. No will power.

treats

2007-06-15T11:09:00.000-03:00

I saw the working girl again recently! As I was on my way home from work, out of the corner of my eye I spotted something that made me look twice. Crossing a crosswalk was a person in a grey suit, waving a long, slender white stick like a parade master waves a baton as they were crossing the street at a snail's pace. I quickly realized it was my old friend...and smiled to myself as I watched her go on her way. What is she up to?

Reminders

2007-05-23T13:06:00.000-03:00

I LOVE rap music. Snoop Dogg? Eminem? Missy Elliot? Timbaland? LOVE IT. No longer will I turn down my D12 CD so that it can't be heard. Transformers are an 80's children's cartoon. I don't think that it is right that an adult should idolize them, and have action figures displayed in their living room. They make me uneasy. ugly, cheap dress shoes don't go with too-tight, crotch-rotting, hiked up to the armpits, acid washed Wal-mart jeans. I think that family guy is HILARIOUS! I watch it every chance I get. Brian, the talking dog? He's effing fabulous. Also I quite enjoy reruns of That 70's Show. the oven doesn't NEED to be preheated every time. Food will STILL COOK! spoons, stir-sticks, even forks and knives do a much better job of stirring drinks than fingers do. Just because you don't like something, or don't understand something, doesn't mean that it's stupid.

a little spring cleaning.

2007-05-22T11:00:00.000-03:00

I deactivated my facebook account today. It was causing me waaaay too much drama, and it was encompassing too much of my life. but now what am I supposed to do? hehehe.

525 948 minutes

2007-05-17T10:22:00.000-03:00

Today marks one year since Nichola's death. Like her birthday, I don't think that she would want everyone feeling sad over what can't be changed. It's so amazing to see how many lives she has touched. Whenever someone dies, there is always this innate ability that people have to only remember the positive things about a person. You forget about how they drank too much, or how they used to tease you about your weight, or their really annoying habit of picking their teeth at the dinner table. Those things are all pushed aside to remember the good things. But with Nichola there were no bad things to gloss over in order to focus on the other, nicer, prettier things. I was again reminded of this, when I put up a picture of her and I on facebook. People that I haven't talked to in years were messaging me telling me how they were missing her too. I have this problem of being too self-centered, and don't realize that there are so many other people asides from just me who are missing her. It made me that weird combination of happy and sad (which I suppose is called bittersweet isn't it?) and knew that she would be happy to see how much she was loved. I have been writing this post all morning, trying to find the right words to express what it is I am feeling, and saying something that I haven't already said so many times before. As with anything emotional, I have a hard time expressing myself and dealing with it....as I am still feeling guilt over the woulda, shoulda, coulda thing. But then this morning, I received the greatest email ever from e. who knew exactly how I was feeling and thinking, and made me realize that it is all ok. I have regrets about how I treated Nich, and guilt over the way I felt and the way that I acted, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a right to miss her, or love her...and she knows that.

it's time to sweep when...

2007-05-11T14:39:00.000-03:00

...your cat climbs up on your bed and she is covered in dust from rolling around on the floor. Whoops.

passing time

2007-05-03T16:14:00.000-03:00

One of my friends, who was actually a friend of Nich first, is currently telling me a story about how she and a group of their friends orchestrated to get a stressed out young man an escort for the evening. Apparently not much thought was given to the legal logistics of the situation, as the cops ended up being called and some parties reprimanded and grounded. Although Nich was luckily away at ski practice and didn't suffer from any of those minor details... Yesterday would have been her 27th birthday, and I was feeling it creep up on me, and I figured that it was going to be a horrible day and I was just going to have to make it as horrible as possible, isn't that what you are supposed to do when you are grieving a loss? As I sat there planning out how I was going to feel sorry for myself all day, I realized that is exactly how Nich would want me to not spend my time...being all gloomy and sad. So there was no moping, just a big smile for my girl, a piece of cheesecake, and the finishing a book I had been reading; because that is what she would want the most. It took a bit for me to understand that I don't have to sit down and cry for four hours to show how much I miss her...what I did was just as good if not better.

working girl

2007-04-30T07:48:00.000-03:00

While on my way to library on Friday, I saw the strangest thing: walking up the other side of the road was what appeared to be a man in a tan linen suit with a bright orange hardhat on. As they got closer I realized that it was a woman, in a tan linen suit, teva sandals, and an orange hard hat. No other tools or accessories with her. All I could think of was Chicken Little, and how she must have been waiting for the sky to being falling.

empty headed

2007-04-27T09:59:00.000-03:00

Again I am seeing how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I am always on the look out for something to write about on here, but I am still having trouble putting more than two words together in a sentence and making it sound interesting. So I have resigned to posting something that just isn't funny or interesting at all...which is something that the two people who read this already know. Today is Day 2 of "The Diet"....it's 10:05 am, I have already ate my breakfast and a bag of carrots and I am still starving. But the 10+ pounds I have packed on recently really have to go. If I can just take it day by day until healthy eating is again normal....I think I can do this. I am really hoping that is true. Birthday was good. It is completely surreal to believe that I am 27. WTF? Where is my life? More proof that nothing ever turns out as you imagined it. I am still in the anti-social mind frame. I am finding it hard to shake it this time. I spent most of my time now out geocaching. I am sure that I am going to end up falling in a hole, breaking something, and then dying out in the middle of the woods...no one really knowing where I am, but until then I really enjoying the time with me. Things with the Menace are...distant. The only contact now is through email...until he stops flip flopping between his two different personalities, he is another on my list of people that I don't really want to deal with. Hmmm....that certainly was empty headed wasn't it?

my own Mr. Rogers

2007-04-04T10:01:00.000-03:00

Remember Clarence? My friendly upstairs neighbor who cleaned my car off every snowy morning? Clarence and I have recently become more um...intimately acquainted. One night after getting home from work, I was for some reason racing around trying to do 7 things at once. I was talking on the phone, trying to boil water, and change out of my work clothes all at the same time. Just as I managed to get one of my legs into a pair of pajama pants, the smoke detector decided to start blaring. So, with the phone in one hand, and the uninhabited leg of my pants dragging behind me I ran out to the kitchen to see what was going on. Smoke everywhere, as something that had fell into the burner had started to cumbust. So whenever this happens, I will get out the cutting board and start manically waving it in the air near the beast of a detector. For some reason, the idea of putting the phone down at any point during this little event didn't cross my mind. I finally got the thing to stop bleating, and let out an exasperated sigh, as my eyes started to roll towards the ceiling in relief, something caught my eye in the window near the smoke detector. It took me a minute to realize that it was Clarence. It then took me another minute to realize that I standing there with a phone to my ear in one hand, a plastic cutting board in the other, and had half my ass in full view, because in all the excitement I hadn't had the chance to get my pants on the whole way. I could see his mouth moving, trying to say something, but I couldn't exactly hear him due to the wall in between us. I quickly hauled my pants up in a desperate attempt to save some face, and went to talk to him (phone still to my ear of course) to tell him that everything was ok. I don't think that he really believed me, but what can you do?

cool?

2007-04-02T13:25:00.000-03:00

How to be cool: wait a few days before responding to any of his emails, then write a funny, witty reply subtly mentioning how great and fantastic I am. How not to be cool: accidentally send 65 copies of the email to him. 65. I counted all the sent messages that landed in my sent box. Holy fuck.

back and forth, back and forth and back again

2007-03-28T14:14:00.000-03:00

that seems to be the path that my thoughts are taking lately. I've been spending the past week trying to justify my past, current, and future actions, as well as my feelings. I love how stubborn I can be, and how much it winds up hurting me in the end. Once I convince myself of something, there is nothing that anyone can say to change my mind. I have even talked to the menace about the situation, have learned what he is thinking, and yet I am still hell bent on making sure that I am completely emotionally crippled by the whole thing. I know what I need to do. Heh. But I can't bring myself to do it. I wish he would stop being so effing polite about the whole situation and just tell me to get the hell out of his life instead of keeping me around to make him feel good. Find someone else's feelings to toy with asshole.

oh so true!

2007-03-26T13:40:00.000-03:00

Stumbled across this fantastic post, which I LOVE, just because it is so damn true http://orangebottles.blogspot.com/2007/03/at-least-im-not-dude.html

reminders

2007-03-22T15:19:00.000-03:00

her email address is still in my address book. I see it and and wonder if she would still get it if I sent one. I think of her every day. Some days it because of cheese. Always whenever I see cheesecake. I think of her when I hear the word Ottawa. I think of her when something has happened in my life and I want to tell her so that she can tell me that no matter how much I am hurting that it will get better, and that I deserve better than what I expect for myself. I think of her when I have ice cream with chocolate chips. I think of her when I walk through the romance section at the book store. I think of her when I see the color red. Every funeral of every solider is her funeral, or it feels that way anyways. I think of her every day and hope that she has forgiven me.

butter

2007-03-21T15:26:00.000-03:00

Greg just told me that his dad sometimes eat brownies with a big pat of butter smeared on top. How wrong is that? Although I used to eat miracle whip by the spoonful when I was a child, and there is a lot wrong with that. p.s. trying to write something here every day hurts my head. It shouldn't be this hard.

best friends

2007-03-20T11:34:00.000-03:00

Are the friends who suggest setting their wedding much sooner than planned just so that maybe you and an other person in the wedding party can figure out where the hell they are going, and if they are going to be going there together. Even if it means looking like they are having a shot-gun wedding. That is love.

just when you thought things weren't so bad....

2007-03-19T14:10:00.000-03:00

Karma is a bitch. A big ol' bitch with a big ol' chip on her shoulder that bears a striking resemblance to me. On the weekend I lost my x-ring at a friend's party. Actually I didn't so much lose it, as leave it in the bathroom and then someone decided it was pretty and took it. Oddly at the time I was ok with it. It was just a ring, and I shouldn't have been so irresponsible as to leave on the sink during a party. But my old roommate just called and told me that the dweeb we got to sublet our apartment hasn't paid his freakin' rent. So it looks like we are going to be stuck paying for the gold apartment again. What else is going to go wrong? WHAT?

working on it...

2007-03-15T16:11:00.000-03:00

I haven't been writing anywhere lately. Not here, not in my regular journal, and even writing coherent emails is becoming a chore. I am going to have to start working on that. It's not like I don't have enough time at work to do so. So let's see how that goes. Starting tomorrow of course...ahahahahha

waste

2007-02-14T10:08:00.000-04:00

Have you ever looked back over a period of your life and wondered how you convinced yourself of something that was never true in the first place? What does this mean for the rest of our thoughts? When you tell yourself that you are better than what others make you out to be, is that really true? Or is your subconscious just trying to make you believe that? Is this some sort of survival mechanism for the weaker, less spectactular people of the world to ensure that they won't try and end their lives? I am just finding it frustrating....and now I am second guessing everything...

...thinking...

2007-01-31T22:26:00.000-04:00

...that kitchen lights that have dimmers, and that are on really low, remind me of being in my grandparent's kitchen . Weird how something like dimmed lights can trigger a memory like that... ...it's so cliche, but babies smell so good. And they grow up too fast. I feel like I am going to blink and Will is going to be 10. He is on of the reasons that I wish I didn't move to Sydney... ...

befuddled...

2007-01-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

Panic. I am currently trying to figure out if I am unhappy with my life right now, or if I am unhappy with my life because other people think that I should be unhappy with my life. Or if I am happy with my life, but feel like I should be unhappy because others think that I should be unhappy. Panic and confusion. Jo just sent me a bunch of jobs that her dad asked her to pass along to me because "Krista didn't seem too happy in Sydney". So now cue the tizzy. So now I need to decide how I feel. I am tired of people thinking that Sydney sucks. Yes, it isn't Montreal or Halifax even, but it isn't like I am living in an outport community that only has a small plane coming in with supplies once a month. Maybe I complain about it too much, but that is what I do. I complained about Halifax, I didn't like my job, I didn't like this, I didn't like that. Maybe I have to stop agreeing with people when they say how hard it must be to live in Sydney. Yesterday I went to Louisburg. It was about a 20 minute drive from my apartment. While I couldn't actually get into the actual fortress, I was able to drive around it and the town, and it was so beautiful. Along one of the roads in the park, there was a graveyard right on the coast, where if you looked across the harbour you could see the fortress, and below you could see the waves crashing on the shore. It was quintessential Cape Breton for me. As I stood there, I was reminded about what I love about Cape Breton, that feeling of being a part of something and belonging. I just felt at home. It was nice to be able to put all my negative feelings away and focus on what is good. As I was driving back into Sydney, I was thinking about all the places that I still have left to explore. There was a sign for kayak rentals in Catalone. There was a mini-golf and g0-cart place just before Louisburg. Basically I saw that instead of sitting on the phone and moaning to people about how much I am not liking Sydney, or making a joke of it because that is what is expected, I am just going to make the most out of what I have. Which is a lot.

lost in translation

2007-01-23T10:50:00.000-04:00

I apparently still have a lot to learn about Cape Bretonese, which is the official language of this fine Island. I was home in Antigonish for the weekend. Decided I would leave for home relatively early on Sunday so that I wouldn't have to drive in the dark. The weather forecast was great, some flurries on the island, but only amounting to 2-4 cm...nothing in the grand scheme of things. Once I got out on the highway I was surprised at how great the driving conditions were, I could just tell it was going to be a great drive home. Then I crossed the Causeway. At first it was just those big pretty flakes falling all around, I smiled as I saw them falling...so picturesque! No accumulation! Slowly, as I continued on my journey, the centre line started to fade...but driving was still good as there were definite tracks in the snow, and you could still see the pavement. I wasn't too worried, I still had my music cranked, and only one hand on the wheel. Then the tracks started getting smaller and smaller, and the distinction between the road and the ditch became harder and harder to determine. Then no accumulation turned into about a foot of snow, and NO visibility, and just to make things fun, it was a full on blizzard. Couldn't see in front, behind or beside me. As in, I couldn't see where road ended and where the deep, dark, cold, non-guardrailed for my safety, ocean began. Being me, I then started to freak the fuck out. I seriously couldn't see anything but snow. White snow. As I thought more and more about how I would likely drown in the freezing water when my car went off the road and plunged into the ocean because I couldn't see ANYTHING, the music was turned off, and I started the half yelling, half crying thing while I yelled at the meterologists. Who the fuck calls a blizzard "a few flurries" and describes not being able to see anything but the snow reflecting back in the light of your four-way flashers as "passable with caution"? I had a good laugh/cry over that one. Finally, whiteknuckled and panicked, I tried to pull over to see if I could just get control of myself. The cars behind me passed and I was relieved to have some sort of beacon to follow, even if it was just the very misguided Cape Breton Post van who was obviously having a hard time figuring out what way was not the ocean as well, considering we were driving on the opposite side of the road, and didn't realize this until we nearly ran into a vechicle coming the other way. I finally made it into St. Peter's after about 2 hours of driving. On a good day it should have only taken about 45 minutes. Once I could see the road, as well the ocean, and how far away from it I was, I could feel myself relax. A few flurries? Yep. Still have a lot to learn.

rabbit ears!

2007-01-08T09:28:00.000-04:00

e's house warming gift was a pair of rabbit ears, easily one of the best presents I have ever recieved. Now instead of getting a fuzzy CTV only, I get CTV, CBC, and Global! I feel like I have cable again. Now that I have Coronation Street back, things are really looking up.

cheers to you mother!

2007-01-05T15:49:00.000-04:00

Today marked an interesting occassion. As I sat at my desk at 10:23 am, and realized that my supervisor wouldn't be in today, I thought: maybe I should go home and get a beer, that would make things a little more fun! Apparently it the alcholic tendancies are starting a little later than expected. Don't worry, I didn't go home to get them...

loving right now

2007-01-03T15:46:00.000-04:00

Craig Cardiff... Year of Funerals by the time you read this you'll be 1500 sea level riding on a road that the world wore down your face is framed in window that the rain is washing away and all the tears and laughter will be buried buried under the weight of history carried out on the undertow

its been a year of funerals no one blames you for anything all the same you put space between us and the volcanoes today is the first day of the rest of your life o from where i'm standing this view looks fine

buried under the weight of history carried out on the undertow

by the time you read this you'll be 1500 sea level riding in a car

discussion

2007-01-02T13:43:00.000-04:00

I am currently reading Ann-Marie MacDonald's Fall on Your Knees , and have been peeking at online discussions surrounding it. Why? Because apparently I want to ruin the entire book for myself. I accidently read one major plot point just before it happened, and I figured that I was close enough to the end that I could peek at the discussion again without spoiling myself anymore...but I was wrong again, I found out another major thing that is about to happen. Bah! Also bought Lynn Coady's Mean Boy in paperback...can't wait to read it again. Such a great book. I am so happy to be reading again!

home alone

2007-01-01T17:46:00.000-04:00

John Candy played Gus Polinski. Next time I will be more confident in my answer.

resolutions and revolutions

2007-01-01T15:58:00.000-04:00

Less cursing. I am not going to say no cursing at all, just hoping for less cursing.
Get back on the fitness wagon. I can only blame the dryer for my jeans shrinking for so long. Time to start eating better and going to the gym on a more regular basis.
Be less negative. I have a lot of positive things in my life that it would be better to focus on rather than the things I choice to waste my time complaining about.
Work on being less socially awkward and shy.

Let's see how long these last for.

new year, new year

2007-01-01T11:31:00.000-04:00

2007. 2006. I have mixed feelings about 2006. Easily one of my hardest years yet, but also a good one for learning a lot about me and who I am, and who I want to be. It's funny, because at the beginning of a new year, I usually look back and think about how happy I am that it is over and how I can start all over again. Now when I look back over 2006, I don't think that I would want to erase it and start all over again. Yes, there are things that I would want to change, but those events are what are going to shape me into who I am. There were times this past year that I just didn't think that I was going to make it, and even now if I think about it too much, I get that little panicked feeling that things may not work out. But I don't feel that way right now. Right now I am looking forward to 2007. I am not totally naive though. There are things that I am looking forward to that aren't going to happen, and when they go to shit, at least I will be able to tell myself I told you so. I would like to think that I am not the same person that I was 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago. While I still have a long ways to go, I am not the girl who hates herself more than anything. There are still times when I let the doubt in, and wonder why I am not as good as everyone else, why my friends and family will shake their heads at me and say "what is wrong with that girl?", but then I just stop and remind myself that it's me. And it's really not all that bad. Here's to 2007 and whatever it brings...

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

so happy to be home over the holidays. Every year I go through the whole "I don't want to go home" but then I do and it's so much better than I could have ever imagined (although at this point, the liquor might have a part in the uncharacteristic sappiness). What beats spending time with friends and family? Nothing really. Feeling a little loved tonight, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just for once, I am going to trust in that, and enjoy it for what it is. Good god, I just might turn into a hugger after all this is over.

Then and Now

2006-12-15T15:05:00.000-04:00

That was then....

This is now...

Whoa

Jon Bon Jovi

2006-12-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

Who asked for Frosty the Snowman to be made into a Christmas Rock ballad? Where is the demand for that? Ugh. I heard it on the radio this morning as I was getting ready, and it nearly drove me mental. Ugh, christmas music. Aside from that, I get to move into my new apartment tonight! So excited! Did I mention that it has a piano??

an angel to watch over you

2006-12-01T08:40:00.000-04:00

I was at the mall last night, just looking around trying to get ideas for Christmas presents, and I stopped into one store that looked independently owned...it may have been a Christmas only store, because it was inundated with Christmas stuff. I browsed through the entire store, not really finding much, that was until at the very back of the store, I found a crystal bowl full of angels. Now, these weren't your everyday angels, oh no, these were special angels. There was the: Square Dancing Angel, to help you make all those important steps. Trucker Angel Casino Angel, to help you get aces and jacks all night long. Theatre Angel Step-Daughter Angel and the list goes on. I was amazed by them all...I wanted to buy them all. They were just so random and odd. Only in Cape Breton.

freakin' me out

2006-11-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

This has got to be a new record, me posting three times in one day... I have been talking to an old friend from highschool recently over MSN, but tonight all of a sudden instead of typing, I was actually hearing him speak. I find it a little unsettling really. It is an odd sensation to hear someone speak and then have to type out a response. I feel like I am mute. Not liking that feeling too much. Also some things never change do they, no matter how much time goes by?

and then we are joined by...

2006-11-29T15:02:00.000-04:00

It wasn't until after I saw the dirty look from the elderly woman driving in front of me and screamed at her that I wasn't going to hit her fucking car, that I realized that not only am I anxious, but a little cranky as well. They are a good pair together, because I will eventually get so cranky that it will totally rule out my anxiety. This will be a welcome achievement.

anxiety

2006-11-29T10:39:00.000-04:00

anyone ever have that feeling of such utter anxiety that you feel as though it is all balled up in your chest, right under your neck, and it is almost as though it is preventing you from taking in a full breath? Having that sensation now. Actually it is so bad that when I think about the things that are causing me the anxiety, I am holding my breath...maybe so it won't know that I am thinking of it? Or if I hold my breath, it won't really be happening because I am not living and breathing it? I have no idea. So stressed out about money right now. Paying for two apartments in the same month as Christmas?! Fun! In good news, I now have an apartment, so that means that I technically have a place to live. Bad news is I don't have any money to actually heat the place. So I don't know how I am going to live in it. At least the temperatures have been much milder recently than they traditionally are. Crap. This so isn't good.

thoughts

2006-11-27T09:55:00.000-04:00

Started the quarterly re-examination of my life again. Every so often, something will happen that will make me wonder if I am going about everything in the right way. Currently I am examining all of my relationships and wondering if what I see as unacceptable behavior is really acceptable, and if it is, have I always been blind to it? I always thought that I was smart enough to see all sides of a situation, but I think that I am just as blind to my own faults as everyone else is to their own. I want to be the best person that I can be, but I always seem to fall short of it because I am not really sure what I am supposed to be. I had a talk last night with a friend. This friend has been really good to me throughout our friendship, but I realized last night that there are limitations to how far they will go for me. I think what bothered me the most is that our converation just hammered home the fact that I just let everyone walk all over me. It as though I expect everyone to treat me like shit. Everytime someone says they feel horrible about something they did to me, I just pretend that it means nothing, and say that I understand where they are coming from, when in reality I don't. Or rather I do, but feel that I would act differently in the same situation. I find myself becoming resentful and angry towards them, but I can't figure out if I should be. There is a large possibility that I am just so self-involved that I can't see that their actions are actually based in reality, and it is me who is being unreasonable. Ugh.

even more video craziness

2006-11-20T06:40:00.000-04:00

Here is the video from a "Spider" show here in Sydney last year, where I nearly got us killed because I felt the need to videotape them. FUN!

sometime last year around this time....

2006-11-19T20:35:00.000-04:00

p.s. a ball in my crotch? Too much excitement for me really....

thinking is something I should apparently avoid.

2006-11-19T19:22:00.000-04:00

While I know that is isn't like me to melodramatic (Bwhahahaha), boy am I melodramatic tonight. Right now I feel panicked, like I need to do something to fix everything that is spiralling out of my control. Things that I never had any control over in the first place, but regardless of that, I still felt like I should have some sort of influence on the outcome. Apparently not so. Let's rehash the whole situation with the boy...oh wait...is there even a situation? (insert manical laugh here). I see where I want to be in terms of my emotions for him, I see where I need to be, but no matter how much evidence I get that I am just spinning my wheels in the mud puddles of crazy, I can't get enough momentum to get over the hump of hopin' and wishin', and I wind up even more stuck then I was in the beginning. I really should have moved to a more arid climate, less rain means less chance of puddles. What is even more annoying about all this, is that I see have seen the same sort of reactions and feelings in my friends, and it is those feelings that make me think how foolish they are being. Where in the hell does that leave me? really fucking crazy, and disappointed in my weakness.

la la laa la laaa

2006-11-19T10:17:00.000-04:00

Just discovered all 5 seasons of Daria online. Totally forgot how much I loved this show...now I can't stop watching. I love how bloody cynical she is. It really is a beautiful thing...

Bittersweet November

2006-11-01T20:12:00.000-04:00

When I was smaller, I always thought that Rememberence Day was called "Novemberence Day"... There was a Rememberence Day not too long ago, maybe a couple of years ago, where I found myself thinking that at some point in the near future there wasn't going to be any more live veterns to be honored at the ceremonies. I was struck with realization the that the younger generation wouldn't really understand the whole meaning of the holiday, much like I was struggling with the true meaning of it myself. Sure I usually made a half hearted attempt to stop for a single minute of silence on the 11 day of the eleventh month, at the eleventh hour for the fallen soliders of years who fought for my freedom. All the while feeling contently detached from the emotion attached to what the holiday was about. This year things are going to be different. Not only to I have a personal connection to a fallen soldier, but I no longer have to worry about the younger generations not having any idea of the reprecussions of war. Although I find myself wondering if I would feel the same way if someone I cared for hadn't died. I think that part of me realizes that I would be that same restless, impatient girl standing among the crowd at the centataph silently wondering when the speaker was going to hurry up and finish his speech so that I could go off and enjoy the rest of my day. Too bad I had to learn the true meaning of this holiday the hard way.... lest we forget

acclimatizing

2006-10-30T13:49:00.000-04:00

scratch tickets and copious amounts of coffee are my current attempt at working to fit in once I move to Cape Breton. Although I may have to start drinking more tea though...hmmmmm...

hehehe

2006-10-27T16:04:00.000-03:00

the winters of my childhood were long, long seasons. We lived in three places-the school, the church, and the skating rink- but our real life was on the skating rink

I figured it out.

2006-10-21T13:22:00.000-03:00

Ever since I made the decision to quit my job and move to the other side of the province, I have been running a constant commentary in my head debating whether or not it was the right choice. I was wondering why I would quit my current job, where I can sit and watch TV on youtube, come in late on Tuesdays so I can babysit Big Willy D, have fresh fruit Wednesdays, and generally have no responsiblities at all except show up and do some work some of the time. I was also wondering why I would leave Hali for Sydney. I have just started to have a really good time in Halifax, I have a good group of friends, I love what the city has to offer, and now I am going to throw it all away to start all over again in a sense. So, I am going to move to a much smaller city, with a much larger population of small minded people. I am starting a real job, one that is permanent, and one that is going to lead into a career. I am going to have serious responsibilities, and I think that I am going to be challenged to do more than I think I am capable of. This really scares me, and as I went through my latest round of WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?'s, I realized that I did what I had to do. I grew up. Fancy that.

adding it all up....

2006-10-19T09:50:00.000-03:00

rain + crocks + leaves = slippery sidewalks and an unsteady girl. umbrella + highwinds = ineffective umbrella and a cranky girl. youtube + unwatched episodes of Gilmore Girls, ANTM and Lost = very bad employee girl aunty in town + new job = a well fed celebrated girl

seriously, where is the incentive?

2006-10-18T12:07:00.000-03:00

I have barely done any work this morning, but what is the point really? I tossed and turned all night long thinking about how in two weeks I am going to have moved to Sydney and will have started a new job. Whoa. Went online to look at apartments for rent in Sydney. There were four listed. FOUR! Blech.

OMFG!

2006-10-17T15:44:00.000-03:00

I am fucking moving to Sydney. Who would have ever thought? What the hell happened? Not to mention what the fuck is going to happen. Please don't let me hate it and suck at my new job. Oh my freakin' god!

"a couple of hours"

2006-10-16T14:27:00.000-03:00

in a couple of hours everything could change. What kinda rots is that I want it to, but now I don't know if it is going to.....

third time is a charm?

2006-10-15T11:01:00.000-03:00

This is the third time today that I have started to write a post, and then stop and go and do something else. I have stuff to say, but some of it I don't feel I can say, and to be truthful, I don't think that anyone really wants to hear me complain about the trival problems I am having. Found out on Friday afternoon why I really shouldn't drink anymore. It just seems like I have completely regressed to this completely irresponsible, crazy, irrational person while drinking. Kudo to Mother for passing that along to me! Friday night there was a reception at work for the artist who works with us and the patients here at the hospital. Free wine and no dinner makes KA a very drunk girl. We started drinking at 4:30, and I was told that I was deposited at my front door at 10:00 pm that night. Wise. I woke up well rested at about 5 the next morning, quickly realizing that there was a lot about last night that I didn't remember. I dragged my hung over near corpse to the couch and just layed there contemplating death. As usually happens, as I was laying there, memories started to trickle back to me. I realized that I hadn't given R or L any money for the cab, or possibly even my bill at the restaraunt. Then I remembered that I was talking to some man at the bar as we were leaving, and when I went to look in my purse to make sure that I did indeed even still have my wallet, I found what I assume was my bill ripped in half with the phone number and email of TROY. There was no evidence of me paying my bill on my bank account. Then, later when I was talking to L about owing her and Dick some money for the cab, she informed me that I paid for it with a $20 and gave them some money for a drink??!!!!!!! Not sure where I got the money. A little worried that TROY both paid for my bill and gave me cash, also a little worried about what I did to get money from this man,if that was indeed what happened. Ugh. Now I am off to do laundry and pretend that I am not shitting my pants about the phone interview I have tomorrow. Why do I get nervous now? So nervous.

right now..

2006-10-03T15:40:00.000-03:00

I am eating new york style cheesecake from a large Tim Horton's coffee cup with a plastic knife. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture?

a weekend smorgusboard of nothing

2006-09-30T12:57:00.000-03:00

Our toilet is broken. It doesn't flush when you pull down on the lever. Therefore, everytime you want to flush you have to haul the top off the back of the toilet, search in the scummy water for the broken lever and then tada. Yet another bold black mark against The Apartment From Hell. Knitting has begun again. I am on to my 3rd christmas scarf, and so many more plans. Blankets, wrist bands, maybe even a sweater? What is with me becoming a little bit crafty? Feeling anti-social. I didn't even want to go to the grocery store this morning, but made myself go, if only for the food that I shouldn't really be eating. I have been eating like there is no tomorrow. Let's blame it on PMS, and not on self sabotage/emotional meltdown. Good thing is that I have the apartment to myself for the weekend. Weekend of sloth to follow.

and then there is this..

2006-09-26T16:09:00.001-03:00

God I love YouTube!

hello, it is me you're looking for?

2006-09-26T16:02:00.000-03:00

or some of this:

black dress shoes and blue jeans

2006-09-25T10:14:00.000-03:00

Saturday night was one of those rare moments where I had a short window of rational thought. Saw how he should be treating me, but wasn't(question is did he see it?). Made me realize that not only am I the Queen of Cognitive Restructing, I am also the Queen of Wasting Time. When he told me that he was broken ages ago, I really should have listened instead of trying to make something out of what was left of him.

Me!

2006-09-07T17:14:00.000-03:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	16
Openness To Experience	71
Agreeableness	11
Conscientiousness	26

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

MySpace Surveys, Bebo and MySpace Layouts by Pulseware Survey Software

overheard by the customer's of Superstore

2006-09-05T21:15:00.000-03:00

"Excuse me? Are you the person to talk to about...(akward pregnant pause) taking furniture to the...(another akward pregnant pause)... checkout and then out to the parking lot?" Good thing I have a pretty brain, just not a functioning one.

skittle

2006-09-05T15:00:00.000-03:00

As I was sitting back down in my chair at my desk, I saw a stray green skittle on the floor beside my foot. As soon as I saw it I thought "oh! A Skittle", which was immediately followed by the strict instruction from the sensible part of my brain "DO NOT PICK THAT UP AND EAT IT'. I really wanted to eat it. Sometimes the less sensible part of my brain is so much more fun!

grumble, grumble, moving, grumble, grumble

2006-09-04T14:41:00.000-03:00

I am currently hiding out at Linds' because I can't stand the thought of being at the new apartment. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. From the marathon moving session (where over 3/4ths of the stuff we moved is my roommates-stuff that we have NO room for), to the fact that everything we own is stored in the middle of each room so that the phantom painters can come to paint our apartment. We have been there since Friday, and no paint have we seen. Oh, and we won't have a functioning phone until Friday. Did I mention that we can't unpack anything because of the painters? That we have a two foot buffer in each room? The mere thought of spending the night there tonight just makes me want to cry. Added to the fact that I am doing everything in my power to try and sell the ugly apartment to my roommate so that she doesn't pack everything up in December and leave me with an apartment that I can't afford now. I guess if that does happen, I will have enough room for all my stuff, mostly because I don't own anything. Please don't let this get worse!

apparently it's my sanity that is MIA

2006-09-03T22:25:00.000-03:00

Just like I always do, I spent the past two weeks convincing myself again that the situation with The Menace is never going to change. It is always going to be this two steps forward, one step back kind of thing that wasn't doing anyone any good, especially me. When I finally start to feel better about the whole thing, I decide that I am fine to be in the same room as him without having my feelings change. Oh Krista...you really need to learn. The best method of defence with The Menace is total and complete avoidance. I stopped off to see A. before heading back to the city. I was tired and cranky, and wouldn't have stopped in if I hadn't promised that I would. The Menace answered the door with a smile that would light up the darkest day, and he was just in such a good mood. It was a heart breaking glimpse into what I want, and what I am never completely sure will be mine. It's the times like those that I don't think that it is that far out of my grasp...but then I never can tell with him. UGH! It's still all about Missing in Action.

wondering

2006-08-21T12:56:00.000-03:00

When is it appropriate to tell the truth? Or in less general terms, when do you tell someone that you think that they are full of shit? You hear what they are saying, understand what they have said, but the only thought running through your head is "you are just a little crazy". Why do we feel the need to tell our friends (of all people!) that what could possibly be the one of the stupidest ideas they have ever had, is in fact the best thing they have EVER thought of. Do we do it because we want the same treatment in return? Maybe it is some kind of innate self preservation mechanism. All I know is that it is making me crazy right now. I am hearing things that I don't want to hear, and saying things that I don't believe. Going to go tear my hair out in retaliation.

Monday

2006-08-14T11:57:00.000-03:00

I just found a bloodied, balled-up piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor at work. Happy Monday!

the bubble

2006-08-12T23:04:00.000-03:00

I joined an online dating site a little while ago, and since it has been a very interesting and enlightening situation. *WARNING- extremely shallow behavior up ahead* After I joined this site, I got a very clear idea of what I want, what I don't want, and especially what I really don't want. EXHIBIT A: Deano48. He's 48. I am 26. If I would looking to date one of my father's friends, I would have asked him if he had any single friends. Poor Deano....KA will not be dating him, despite his determination. EXHIBIT B: Possibly my most favorite. Take a long hard look at this picture. What was he seriously thinking when he posted this picture? Looking at this picture, I have to wonder a few things. #1. Does he still live in his parents basement? #2. Does the hockey stick running across the ceiling serve function as some kind of wall support, or is it decoration? (Actually, after examing the picture more closely, it is looking as though the hockey stick is for clothes storage.) #3. Same question as #2 except this time with the blanket on the wall...hiding something, or decorative? And as always, the token animal to make all the females go "Awww...a puppy!!". EXHIBIT C: Professional photos with your pet. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving your pets, and there is nothing wrong with animals. But showing the world that you love your pet enough to get professional pictures done with them does suggest that maybe a relationship with you wouldn't really be in their best interests. Poochy would probably always come first, and will likely be allowed to watch you in the bedroom.

Now I see why I am still single....

a little pick me up

2006-08-12T12:41:00.000-03:00

I changed my format, and I am loving it! It doesn't feel like a blogger blog anymore...it just looks like something I want to write in. Woohoo! As I mentioned before I have tonnes of ideas swirling around in my head, I just haven't sat down to get them out yet. That and whenever I do take a few minutes to sit down and write something, my thoughts come out in jumbled messes that no one really wants to read. Hoping to have some updates before the end of the weekend. I love this new look!!

Lesson Learned? Hell no!

2006-08-02T15:33:00.000-03:00

Apparently the more pain I inflict upon myself the better. I am going home this weekend. Mostly because of a family birthday party. Some for other less respectable reasons. That's ok right? As long as I know what I am getting myself into, and have absolutely no expectations? Out of sight out of mind was working SO well.

jealous, heartless, bitter bitch.

2006-08-02T10:54:00.000-03:00

That is what I am calling myself these days. I have always had varying degrees of these qualities present in my personality, but lately they have really been shining through. I find myself unable to be happy for those who are happy, mostly because I am very jealous and bitter of their extreme happiness. Why can't I have what they have? This is the question I have been trying to answer, and there are only two answers that I have come up with: 1) I am the universal anomaly to all things that deal with relationships. 2) I am a jealous, heartless, bitter bitch which is preventing me from being happy. I just received an email from e gushing about her first date with her new beau; he is really interested in her, and I am sure that great things are going to come from this. Yet, I can't bring myself to be truly happy for her. That isn't to say that I'm not happy for her, it's that I can't seem to get past me feeling sorry for myself to express my joy for her at having found someone. When your best friend calls to tell you that that special someone called her, I should be just as excited as she, but instead I was doing my best not to cry and roll around on the floor screaming "I want someone TOO!" I don't want to be the last single in my group of friends. I have grown tired of the patronizing comments, the third-wheeling, and watching everyone's life progress as I remain stagnant in the Game of Life. Yes, I have heard all the arguments for the Pro-Single faction, as I have all the major points ingrained in my brain forever. Say what you will about how fantastic the single life is, most couples wouldn't go back for anything in the world. Please stop trying to tell me how great it is...thanks! So here's to poor decisions and rash behavior!

it has been a while hasn't it?

2006-07-25T09:11:00.000-03:00

I have so many ideas for posts running through my head...I guess I just need to sit down and write them. Hmmm...easier said than done.

just when you thought it was safe to let your children out

2006-06-12T16:01:00.000-03:00

Today was the day of blocking and deleting. It felt really good to finally shake free of the crazy, I was crazy-free. No.more.crazy. And then, as I was searching out my options with my new "I won't die alone" tool on the internet, I fucking ran into him there. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. Although it was good for a long, long, laugh...It does hurt a little bit though that if he wasn't himself, I would be thinking..."wow, here is someone I could really get along with"....too bad I'm on the crack and he is mentally unstable.

email of anger that I can't send

2006-06-07T13:46:00.000-03:00

Thank you for clearing up how I misunderstood the situation at the apartment by discussing it with E. That was really helpful, along with the colourful comments on my character. While I may have been “irrational” and “unappealing” in my behavior, you were immature in the fact that you couldn’t even be bothered to tell me what your problems with me were. Did you just realize that E. would tell me about the conversation, and you would thereby be relieved of telling me personally how you feel? Very clever, but also very cowardly. I suppose that being faced with the truth of your actions can be a hard thing to deal with; but I also understand that being a chauvinistic male has made it hard for you to accept women calling you on your rude behavior.

just a thin veil of drunkenness

2006-06-03T10:54:00.000-03:00

That is basically all I need to get through life these days. I underestimated the value of the veil before...but no longer. I may have even figured out how to become a fully functioning alcoholic in my every day life if I ever need it. These are the things that are good to know. Things with the boy went sour. I don't know why I didn't expect this to happen. It just sucks though. I really thought things were going to work out. I love how whenever things are obviously not going to get better, I start thinking about all the little things that I thought were really weird about him. Like the strange obsession with traditional Irish music. That doesn't exactly mesh with the girl who loves 50 cent does it? I suppose in the end that I will chalk it up to a lesson learned, and I will try to believe that one day someone will discover Krista the Pearl inside my outer ugly oyster shell...until then I will continue to tell myself that being alone really isn't that bad. Being alone really isn't that bad.....being alone really isn't that bad. Yep. So helpful.

I think that I am an oxymoron

2006-06-03T01:22:00.000-03:00

Someone will ask how I am, and I always answer with the same reply "great, and you?" But I really think that my heart is broken. It's tricky though. I still laugh at jokes, give the appropriate answers to questions asked, and look concerned when it matters; when in reality my head and heart are in the past with memories, thoughts and regrets. Since the funeral is over, everyone seems to think that I am fine, and that everything is going to get back to normal, when in fact the opposite is true. Everything is that much harder to deal with, and death seems to be something that I thought I was familar with, but in reality I really wasn't. This is an entirely new experience, and not one that I am enjoying. It is so much easier now to understand the cliches of death...I find myself fighting back tears at the strangest times, feeling disjointed from everything and everyone, pretty much just apathetic towards life. Blah.

believing in something more

2006-05-29T14:30:00.000-03:00

One of Nich and I's favorite sayings was "are you feeling facetious and cumbersome"? We made it up after spending an afternoon in New Glasgow with two boys, when we were really supposed to be working on some school project or another. These boys had a CD by a band called Seven Mary Three, and Nich and I took some of the lyrics from one of the songs and made it into a phrase so that we could remember that day. As I was reading my yearbook after I found out about her death, I saw that she had written that at the end of what she wrote. I didn't own the CD myself, and starting scouring stores to find it. Every music store I passed, I would stop to check and see if they had it. None did, even the stores in Calgary didn't have a single copy. I kinda gave up on ever finding it, but it was still on my mind as something I wanted to find. The time came to say goodbye and go to the wake. I had been putting off any activity that actually made me realize that she was really gone. I knew that I would eventually have to deal with what I had lost, but I just didn't want to, I was much happier stuffing all those feelings away for as long as I could. Even getting ready for the wake, I could anticipate what was to come, and I was fighting it all the way. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to go. As I stood there in the entrance way to the funeral home staring at the memorial picture of Nichola set up above the guest book, listening to my father make idle chit-chat with the random gentleman in front of us, I was struck dumb by the whole thing. It still didn't feel real. People shouldn't be standing here in groups waiting to say goodbye to my best friend, and talking about farmland, cows, and other mundane things. Finally the curt funeral director opened the door and told us the procedure: enter the chapel, pay your respects to the deceased, and then proceed to the next room to greet the family. I felt detached from my body as I walked towards her casket draped in a Canadian flag. As soon as I stood beside her casket, I couldn't keep from crying. It was finally becoming too real. Way too real. As Dad and I were leaving the wake, we got into the van and I subconsciously started to sing along with the song that was on the radio. It took a few seconds for it to dawn on me, but I soon realized that it was "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three. All I could do was smile and thank her, because I believe that was her way of saying that everything was going to be alright, and that she forgave me for everything I was feeling guilty for. I believe in something more.

here we go yet again...

2006-05-23T17:51:00.000-03:00

more evidence that bad things happen to good people. May 17th, 2006 is a day that will forever go down in infamy, as it was the day Nich was killed in Afghanistan. I can't get rid of the guilt I feel for the path our friendship took in the end. But I think that what I have to realize is that it doesn't really matter where we were in the end, but the moments that happened in between. We had years of wonderful memories, that even now, when she is no longer with me, can make me laugh like nothing else can. I am so thankful the abundance of happy memories that we have together. Nich was such a happy and bubbly person that there were very few negative moments in our friendship. Or at least it seems like that on the other side of death, strange how that works. What about those moments when it was just the two of us? What happens to the memories that I have forgotten? What happens if I forget more memories? Who is going to remind me of those times? I don't want to forget.

favorite line from the weekend...

2006-05-08T09:11:00.000-03:00

"unfortunately dead hookers don't lick"

spring?

2006-05-06T13:26:00.000-03:00

I can't put my finger on it, but I am just feeling foul lately. The past two days I have been walking around in a sour haze for no reason. The weather is finally starting to get nice, and all I can say is bah humbug, what gives? I am sick of being a doormat. I am sick of people calling me with their problems, and never asking me what is going on with me. I am sick of myself for never being able to say "well this is what is going on in my life" after listening to everyone's problems. I am sick of feeling that my problems are important enough to discuss with anyone. I think that I am sick of so much that it is just dragging me down. I want to be able to believe that I am good enough when I say it. I want him to think that. I don't want to hear of his plans that he hasn't followed through with from someone else. I just want him to take some initiative here, is that too much to ask? Just a little indication that I am not running towards the gold at the end of the rainbow for nothing. I feel like I am putting too much into this already. I am putting too much into this already. Ugh. This was supposed to help.

ugh.

2006-04-06T18:26:00.000-03:00

welcome to yet another addition of 'listen to KA bitch' today's topics include: 1. libraries that smell like mouse shit. While I appreciate the extra 30 minutes I get on this computer, the smell here is turning my stomach six shades of green. Plus there is the added bonus of the possibility of contracting the Hanta virus. 2. empty food cupboard. I had yogurt for supper. That was tasty. 3. trying to determine what the hell people mean by what they say on MSN. Make it clear people, make it clear. And don't send me the rolling eye emoticon....it will only serve to piss me off more than I already am. 4. young children. They all need to be locked away until they are no longer annoying. 5. Oh who am I kidding, there isn't too much that isn't pissing me off right now. let's reiterate: UGH!

team building

2006-04-03T08:52:00.000-03:00

The past week at work we have been having 'team building' exercises. Which in actuality are just activities where we are pitted against each other in competition to see who turns out on top. Starting off last week it was who could find the worst paragraph in a G-rated romance novel. Shanno won with something about a thrusted sneakered toe... Then there was our three minute personal artistic interpretation of spring. If Cheryl hadn't written all over herself with sharpies there might have been a chance that I would have won with my impact statement photo entitled: "Signs of Spring". I totally poached the idea off of E., but it was too fantastic not to use...therefore I present the signs of spring:

thinking...

2006-03-26T11:31:00.000-04:00

...who knew it could be that easy? Regardless the anxiety is still there in full force, but now coming from a completely different angle. Am I never happy? God, I think that I am more on edge now than I was before. This is great....just f-in great.